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| Photo: Moms Aid event-Future of Women Conference 2023 |
There are many tables we sit at in life—professional, social, familiar, and unfamiliar. Each table carries its own energy, its own rhythm of conversation, and its own unspoken rules. I have often found myself quietly observing before speaking. Not because I lack words, but because understanding the people, the ambience, and the emotional temperature of a space matters to me. While many perceive me as an extrovert due to the nature of my work, the truth is I live somewhere in the middle. I observe first. I listen. I speak with intention.
Recently, I sat at a table where one individual consistently looked down on others. No one was spared. If there was nothing obvious to criticise, something would be found—appearance, financial status, character, or behaviour. The comments were often sarcastic, subtle, and sharp. What struck me most was how the negativity intensified when someone else experienced something good. Success, growth, or opportunity seemed to trigger even harsher commentary. It made me pause and reflect—not on them alone, but on myself. Was I seeing this too sensitively? Was something wrong with me?
Why Do Some People Look Down on Others? A Psychological Lens
Curious and wanting an unbiased answer, I asked a loved one a question without referencing the incident. I was given three possible reasons why an individual may look down on others.
- The person may be acting from unresolved guilt after having treated the other person unfairly.
- They may act out of shyness or insecurity.
- They may do so out of love.
The third response stood out. Choosing to interpret behaviour with compassion does ease the soul. However, psychology reminds us that patterns matter more than isolated acts. Chronic negative commentary is rarely about the other person—it is usually a projection of unresolved inner conflict.
From a psychological standpoint, individuals who constantly criticise others often struggle with low self-worth, envy, or threatened identity. When someone else succeeds, it unconsciously activates a comparison loop, triggering feelings of inadequacy. To regulate this discomfort, the mind seeks relief by diminishing the other. This is not confidence—it is defence.
Brain Chemistry: What’s Happening Neurologically?
On a neurological level, repeated negative speech can be linked to how the brain seeks control and reward. Speaking ill of others can temporarily activate the brain’s dopamine system, offering a fleeting sense of superiority or relief. Over time, this can become a learned coping mechanism.
Additionally, chronic negativity keeps the brain in a stress-response state, elevating cortisol levels. Ironically, the person who constantly criticises others is often the most mentally exhausted, emotionally dysregulated, and internally unsafe. Their nervous system is not at ease, even if their words sound confident.
Is This Learned Behaviour?
Yes—often it is.
Children who grow up in environments where criticism, sarcasm, or comparison are normalised may internalise this as a communication style. If love, attention, or validation were conditional, the mind learns to protect itself by judging first. Over time, this behaviour feels natural, even justified.
However, learned behaviour is not a life sentence. Awareness creates choice. Repetition without reflection, though, turns behaviour into character.
Mindset: Protecting Your Energy Is Not Arrogance
One of the most important realisations I had was this: understanding someone does not mean tolerating them. Thinking positively about others may ease your heart, but discernment protects your peace. Knowing who someone is helps you decide what to share, how much to engage, and when to step away.
Not every table deserves your presence. Not every conversation deserves your silence. If a space consistently drains your energy, it is not a moral obligation to stay seated. Walking away is not weakness—it is wisdom.
The Islamic Perspective: Speech, Silence, and Accountability
Islam places immense weight on the tongue. Speaking about others—even if it is true—falls under ghibah (backbiting), which is considered a grave sin. The seriousness is such that it is likened to eating the flesh of one’s dead brother. This imagery alone demands reflection.
What is often overlooked is that listening silently while backbiting occurs is also a form of participation. Silence in this context can signal agreement. Islam offers clarity: if you cannot stop it with words, you remove yourself from the gathering. There is no spiritual neutrality in such moments.
The options are clear:
- Speak up and ask for the conversation to stop.
- Change the topic.
- Or walk away.
Remaining seated and consuming negativity affects the heart. What enters through the ears settles into the soul.
Choose Tables That Heal, Not Harm
There is nothing wrong with you for noticing. Awareness is not judgment; it is consciousness. Some people speak to connect, some to heal, and some to hide their wounds. Your responsibility is not to diagnose them—but to protect your mind, your energy, and your values.
The tables we choose shape who we become. Choose conversations that expand you, not ones that shrink others. Choose speech that heals, not wounds. And when silence becomes complicity, have the courage to stand up and leave.
Sometimes, the most powerful statement is simply refusing to sit where the soul feels heavy.
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