Strong for Everyone, Supported by No One

Picture: training program conducted to HDC 

(Confidential case. Client details are hidden, and approval has been obtained for educational purposes.)

Trusting again after loss is not a simple decision; it is a psychological negotiation between past pain and present hope. Divorce, in particular, challenges not only relational stability but also one’s internal sense of safety and belonging.

Recently, a client shared an experience that reflects this emotional tension. Following his divorce, he expected emotional support from his family. Instead, he found himself becoming the subject of subtle mockery and dismissal. Ironically, he remained the dependable one — the person they called when they needed help. Yet, when he required emotional or practical support, it was rarely offered.

I remember sitting there quietly while he spoke about expectations and perception. As I listened, a thought formed in my mind: He has already given the answers. Yet we often fail to see them. Not because they are hidden, but because our expectations cloud our emotions. We do not experience life as it is; we experience it through the meaning we assign to it. And sometimes, that meaning is shaped more by our pain than by reality.

This insight aligns closely with principles found in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), particularly the concept of distortion within the Meta Model. Human beings do not respond to reality directly; we respond to our internal representations of reality. These representations are shaped through three primary processes:

• Deletion – selectively filtering information.

• Distortion – assigning meaning based on assumptions or emotional history.

• Generalization – drawing broad conclusions from specific experiences.

In this case, repeated emotional invalidation led to a generalized belief: “It will always be like this.” While this belief functions as psychological protection, it also narrows the possibility of alternative interpretations or future relational shifts.

Expectations, when unmet, often transform into emotional lenses. Through these lenses, neutral behaviors may appear rejecting, and silence may be interpreted as intentional neglect. The pain is real. However, the meaning assigned to the pain can either solidify isolation or invite reflection.

An important distinction must be made: acknowledging distortion does not invalidate the hurt. Emotional neglect is impactful. Yet, becoming aware of our cognitive filters empowers us to reclaim agency. When individuals recognize how expectations shape interpretation, they begin to separate fact from internal narrative.

Divorce often reveals relational realities that were previously ignored. It also exposes where support systems are conditional rather than unconditional. This realization is painful, but it is clarifying.

The journey toward trusting again requires two parallel processes:

1. Grieving the support that was not received.

2. Reframing expectations without abandoning self-worth.

Healthy boundaries are not acts of rebellion; they are acts of emotional hygiene.

The client concluded his reflection with a powerful realization: “Perhaps the problem is not that they lack answers. Perhaps it is that my expectations decide what I am willing to see.”

In therapeutic and coaching contexts, helping individuals recognize deletion, distortion, and generalization allows them to reclaim authorship over their internal narrative. Trust, then, becomes less about others changing and more about refining perception while maintaining discernment.

Loss does not weaken trust permanently. It refines it. And sometimes, clarity begins the moment we notice the lens through which we are looking.