Over the years, taking clients from age 10 to over 70, one thing I found was this: most people did not suddenly start struggling as adults. It usually begins right after adolescence, and when you really sit with their story, you begin to see a pattern. There is often a child who was never healed, or a child who was forced to become an adult too early. That child does not disappear with time. It grows into the adult, and it continues to live within them, shaping how they think, feel, and respond to life.
I have seen this again and again. Adults who look completely fine on the outside, functioning, working, carrying responsibilities, yet internally they are responding from a much younger place. Some are stuck in a loop where they keep repeating the same story that happened to them years, sometimes decades, back. The people change, the situations change, but the emotional response remains the same. This is where I began to realise something important: the mind does not always tell us the truth. It keeps us in what is familiar, even if that familiarity is painful.
Let me explain this through Ahmed (not real name). Ahmed is 38, responsible, well respected, someone people depend on. But every time he faces criticism or even a small conflict, he shuts down. He either becomes silent or distances himself. To others, it looks like an overreaction. But for Ahmed, it feels very real. When we explored this, it did not start in his adulthood. It started when he was younger, in an environment where mistakes were not safe and where he was constantly criticised. His brain learned very early that making mistakes meant danger. So now, as an adult, every time he is corrected, his brain releases the same stress chemicals, cortisol and adrenaline, as if he is still that young boy being judged. His body reacts before he even has time to think. So he withdraws, not because of what is happening now, but because of what happened before.
This is how the brain works. It is designed to protect, not to question. When something emotional happens, especially in childhood, the brain encodes it strongly along with certain chemicals. Over time, this forms neural pathways. The more those pathways are used, the stronger they become. So when a similar feeling is triggered later in life, the brain does not stop to ask what is actually happening in the present. It goes back to what it already knows. It replays the past in the present, and the body follows.
This is why many adults feel stuck. It is not that they want to stay in pain, but their brain keeps them in what is familiar. Even if it hurts, it feels known. The mind then convinces them that this is just who they are, that this is how life is. But in reality, it is a pattern that has been repeated so many times that it feels like an identity.
From an Islamic perspective, this is where awareness of the nafs (self) and the qalb (heart) becomes important. Islam does not deny that humans carry experiences, emotions, and struggles. But it teaches that a person is not a prisoner of their past. Allah reminds us in the Quran, “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves” (13:11). This is not just about behaviour, but about what we carry internally—our thoughts, our patterns, our responses.
Sometimes what we are reacting to is not the present moment, but an unhealed part within us. Islam encourages reflection (muhasabah), where a person pauses and examines what is happening inside, not just outside. The Prophet ﷺ also showed us that emotional awareness and gentleness matter. He did not shame people for their reactions; he guided them to understand and respond better. This shows that change is possible, but it begins with awareness and sincerity.
There is also a deeper comfort in knowing that Allah is Al-‘Adl (The Most Just) and Al-Latif (The Most Gentle). The pain a person went through, especially in childhood, is not unseen. But at the same time, Islam calls a person forward, not to remain defined by that pain. Your past may explain you, but it does not excuse staying stuck in cycles that harm you or others.
Breaking this loop starts with awareness. Not trying to fix everything at once, but simply noticing. The next time there is a strong emotional reaction, pause for a moment and ask one honest question: Is this about now, or is this about before? That question alone begins to separate the past from the present. Then gently remind yourself that this situation is not the same as what happened before. From there, choose a response instead of reacting automatically. Alongside this, bring in grounding through remembrance—simple dhikr, making du’a in that moment, asking Allah for clarity and control. This is not just psychological work; it becomes spiritual work.
The child within does not need to be removed. It needs to be understood. And Islam teaches that the heart can be refined, healed, and guided. Because the moment you become aware that you are repeating a pattern, you are no longer fully controlled by it. And with that awareness, combined with effort and reliance on Allah, real change begins.
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