There is something telling about the first thing a person chooses to notice when they meet you after a long time. When the focus immediately goes to your appearance—your skin, your weight, your features, it rarely says anything meaningful about you. It speaks volumes about them.
In everyday interactions, people reveal their inner world far more than they realize. Social psychology reminds us that what we notice, what we comment on, and what we criticize in others is often a projection of our own insecurities. This is known as projection, a defense mechanism where individuals displace uncomfortable feelings about themselves onto others. When someone fixates on external traits, it often reflects an internal preoccupation with image, comparison, or inadequacy.
This is one of the reasons I have become very intentional about who I sit down with—even for something as simple as coffee. Not out of arrogance, but out of awareness. Energy, conversation, and presence matter. When interactions consistently revolve around judgment, comparison, or superficial observations, it is not connection; it is performance.
From a psychological perspective, these patterns are not random. Many individuals operate from what we call a social comparison mindset. According to Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory, people evaluate themselves by comparing themselves with others. When someone feels uncertain about their own worth, they may engage in downward comparison, subtly pointing out flaws in others to feel momentarily elevated. It is not conscious cruelty in most cases; it is an unconscious attempt to regulate self-esteem.
But the pattern does not stop there.
Another layer appears when the same individuals who speak about others behind their backs comfortably sit with them later, smiling, engaging, and continuing the cycle. This is where we see cognitive dissonance in action, the mental discomfort experienced when behavior and values do not align. Instead of resolving this discomfort through integrity, some people normalize inconsistency. They justify it. They rationalize it. Over time, this becomes their social style.
And here is the critical question: if someone speaks about others in your presence, what makes you exempt from becoming the subject when you are not around?
Trust, in social psychology, is built on behavioral consistency. When words and actions do not align, the brain registers this as unpredictability. And unpredictability erodes psychological safety. This is why interactions with such individuals often feel draining, even if nothing explicitly harmful is said in the moment.
What is equally important is how these individuals respond when confronted. When you calmly point out a behavior, and the response is immediate justification rather than reflection, it signals a fixed mindset and low self-awareness. Growth requires discomfort. Accountability requires humility. Without these, patterns repeat.
Now, let me be clear, this is not about professional spaces where people come in with the intention to learn, grow, and be coached. That is a different environment, built on openness and development. This is about everyday interactions—friends, extended circles, colleagues, where behavior is often left unexamined and normalized over time.
So what do we do with this awareness? We become selective. Not closed, not judgmental—but intentional.
We start recognizing that access to us is a privilege, not an obligation. And with that comes responsibility, to protect our mental space, our energy, and the quality of conversations we engage in. We also shift from reacting to observing. Instead of taking comments personally, we ask: What does this reveal about their mindset? This creates emotional distance and clarity.
And most importantly, we choose alignment. We choose to be the kind of person who listens, who speaks with integrity, and who does not need to reduce others to feel secure. Because in the end, genuine people are not loud. They do not need to comment on your appearance to connect. They ask. They listen. They hold space.
And those are the people worth sitting down with.
An Islamic Perspective: The Inner State Matters More Than the Outer
What psychology explains, Islam has long addressed at a deeper level: the state of the heart. Islam does not just regulate behavior; it calls for purification of intention and character.
The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said:
“Allah does not look at your appearance or your wealth, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.” (Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2564)
This directly challenges a culture of surface-level judgment. When someone reduces others to appearance, it reflects a القلب (heart) that is still attached to dunya-based measures of worth.
Islam also speaks clearly about the harm of backbiting and hypocrisy in social behavior:
“Do not backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?” (Qur’an 49:12)
This is not just a moral instruction; it is a powerful psychological image. It forces awareness. It disrupts normalization. It makes a person pause.
The behavior of speaking about others and then sitting comfortably with them reflects a disconnect between inner state and outward behavior. In Islam, this lack of alignment is dangerous, not socially, but spiritually.
The Prophet (ﷺ) also said:
“The believer is not one who insults (or taunts), curses, uses vulgar language, or is obscene.” (Jami‘ at-Tirmidhi Hadith 1977)
So when conversations are filled with judgment, criticism, and reduction of others, it is not just a social issue. It is a reflection of character.
Islam also emphasizes husn al-dhann, having good assumptions about others. Instead of immediately noticing flaws, a believer is encouraged to look with mercy, to excuse, and to protect the dignity of others.
How Can Someone Change This Habit?
Now, here is the part we often avoid. It is easy to analyze others. It is harder, and more important, to ask: Where do I show up like this? Because these behaviors are learned. And anything learned can be unlearned, with awareness and effort.
The first step is self-awareness. Most people who make appearance-based comments or engage in gossip are not fully conscious of it. It has become automatic. So the question becomes: What am I noticing first when I see people? And why? That pause alone begins to interrupt the pattern. In Islam, this is muhasabah, self-accountability. Before correcting others, a person looks inward.
The second step is understanding the need behind the behavior. If it is a comparison, then the real work is building internal security. If it is gossip, then often it is about belonging; people bond over shared criticism because it creates a quick connection. But it is a shallow one. Real connection requires vulnerability, not commentary about others. Islam shifts this by grounding worth in taqwa (consciousness of Allah), not comparison with people.
“Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you.” (Qur’an 49:13)
Third, practice intentional communication. Before speaking, ask:
- Is this necessary?
- Is this respectful?
- Does this add value?
- Is this kind?
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good or remain silent.” Sahih al-Bukhari (6018), Sahih Muslim (47)
Another powerful shift is moving from judgment to curiosity. Instead of commenting on how someone looks, ask about their life, their growth, their experiences. This rewires the brain over time, from evaluating people to understanding people.
Then comes accountability. When someone points out your behavior, resist the urge to justify. Justification protects the ego but blocks growth. Reflection, on the other hand, builds maturity.
And finally, build environments that reinforce better behavior. Surrounding yourself with people who communicate with respect, who do not gossip, who value depth over surface, this naturally reshapes your own patterns.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of a perfume seller and a blacksmith. The perfume seller may give you some, or you may buy some from him, or you may smell a pleasant fragrance from him. As for the blacksmith, he may burn your clothes, or you may smell a bad odor from him.” Sahih al-Bukhari (5534), Sahih Muslim (2628)
Social behavior is contagious. The question is: what are you absorbing?
Change is not about perfection. It is about awareness, choice, and repetition. Because at the end of the day, the goal is not just to avoid being “that person.” The goal is to become someone whose presence feels safe, whose words carry intention, and whose conversations leave people better, not smaller.
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