How Motherhood Helped Me

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I remember very clearly the struggles I went through as a new mother. After birth I was unable to hold my baby as I was afraid I might hurt her neck or break a bone in her tiny body. She was so fragile and dependent on others around her. I didn’t even know anything about parenting. I never held a baby that small ever in my life so this new experience of motherhood built a fear in me. I was questioning “What have I got myself into?”, “How am I going to take care of another human being when I am unable to hold my own self together.”

I am grateful I have a very able husband who did everything for her including cleaning her. She was only given to me for feeding which I was struggling to do. As I was a new mother I was feeding my baby the wrong way. I recall watching videos of how to feed a baby properly.

To hold my baby I needed a pillow or I kept her on the bed. I cried for days and most of the time I didn’t even know why I was crying. Yes, I was going through Post Natal Depression which I didn’t know then. Nobody ever told me this happens to up-to 70% of new parents. I couldn’t eat properly, couldn’t sleep properly and I was always checking if my baby was breathing. I was a mess back then.

Then my baby had to be admitted due to jaundice. I don’t know where the strength came from but I told myself “Enough! You have a responsibility now. You are no longer the same person. You brought her to this world and you need to take care of it.” From that day onwards I started slowly gaining confidence but it took time and I never backed down. To this day I wonder how a mother’s love can transform an individual even when they are going through depression.  

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