Why We Hold Each Other Back: The Hidden Psychology Behind Same-Gender Discouragement

When people think of rivalry, they often imagine competition between men and women. In reality, many women discourage other women, and many men discourage other men from succeeding. This dynamic goes deeper than jealousy. It is shaped by psychological patterns, biological instincts, social conditioning, and spiritual struggles related to ego and compassion.

When I stepped into the corporate world after a nine-year break, I assumed that people would be mature enough to rise above inner ego and empower one another to succeed. I believed that time and experience would make individuals more understanding and supportive. Yet, the basic human instinct still lives within us—sometimes hidden, sometimes painfully visible.

During my first interview after that long break, I faced questions that left me both surprised and reflective. I was asked whether I could use a computer, even though the interview itself was being held online. I was questioned about whether a mother could work flexibly, and even if I would know how to adjust back into a corporate environment. These questions were not asked by a man, but by a woman. That moment became one of the most surprising and revealing experiences of my professional life.

I had already worked in the corporate world for seven years before my break. During my time away, I also ran a small business. Yet the assumptions and doubts expressed during that interview made me realize how deeply ingrained bias and insecurity can be—even among women themselves. It reminded me that discouragement often has less to do with gender and more to do with unhealed fears and inner competition that many carry unconsciously.

Psychological Perspective: Insecurity, Ego, and Comparison

Human behavior is often influenced by comparison. Social comparison theory explains that individuals measure their worth by evaluating themselves against others. When someone from the same gender achieves success, it can evoke a sense of inadequacy or fear of being left behind.

Women often experience this as subtle competition in areas such as appearance, relationships, or recognition. Society has long conditioned women to seek approval and belonging, which makes another woman’s success feel like a personal threat to self-worth. Men, on the other hand, may feel challenged in their sense of hierarchy or dominance. In many cultures, men are expected to display control, strength, and authority. When another man achieves success, it can create discomfort or defensiveness, as it questions their position or capability.

This discomfort can lead to criticism, gossip, or lack of support—often without conscious intention. The discouragement is not about the other person’s achievement; it reflects an internal struggle with self-esteem and identity.

Biological and Neurological Perspective

Human beings are wired for survival within groups. In early societies, group success ensured safety, yet personal success often created competition for limited resources. These survival instincts remain in modern life. The human brain reacts to social comparison through specific neural responses. When feelings of envy or threat arise, the amygdala and anterior cingulate cortex activate, releasing stress hormones such as cortisol. The body perceives another’s success as a challenge to its own safety or status. This biological reaction can lead to defensive behaviors—either striving to match success or trying to diminish it.

Sociocultural Conditioning: Learned Scarcity

Culture plays a powerful role in shaping how individuals view success. Many women are raised to believe that leadership and recognition are limited spaces available only to a few. This mindset fosters competition rather than collaboration. On the other hand, men often face a different kind of conditioning. Social norms teach them that emotional vulnerability or cooperation weakens their image. As a result, celebrating another man’s success may feel unnatural, especially in environments that reward dominance over empathy. Such conditioning reinforces a belief in scarcity—where one person’s gain appears as another’s loss—preventing communities from growing together.

Religious and Spiritual Reflection

From an Islamic perspective, discouragement and envy arise from the nafs — the inner self that drives desires, pride, and attachment to worldly recognition. The nafs is not inherently evil, yet when left unchecked, it becomes the source of jealousy, arrogance, and competition rooted in ego rather than faith. Islam teaches that envy, known as hasad, is a spiritual illness that corrodes the heart. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) described envy as something that “consumes good deeds just as fire consumes wood.” This metaphor reminds believers that envy not only harms relationships but also erases the spiritual rewards of one’s own actions.

True faith requires purification of the nafs through humility, gratitude, and sincerity. When a believer witnesses the success of another, the heart is tested. Responding with jealousy feeds the ego, while responding with shukr (thankfulness) and tawakkul (trust in Allah’s plan) strengthens the soul. Every success, whether personal or witnessed in others, unfolds by the will of Allah. Recognizing this truth helps believers release comparison and cultivate inner peace. The Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraged the ummah to love for others what they love for themselves — a principle that transforms competition into compassion and rivalry into mutual upliftment.

In Islam, uplifting others is not only an act of kindness; it is a reflection of faith. Empowering another person becomes a way of honouring Allah’s blessings, while discouragement or envy reflects discontent with His divine wisdom. The more a believer purifies the nafs, the easier it becomes to celebrate the success of others as a shared victory of faith, not a personal loss.

Mind–Body Connection and Healing the Cycle

Self-awareness is the first step toward breaking this pattern. Paying attention to how the body reacts to another’s success can reveal hidden emotions. Tightness in the chest, irritation, or defensive thoughts are signals of internal resistance. Mindfulness practices, gratitude journaling, and calm breathing can retrain the brain to respond with appreciation instead of envy. Physical relaxation techniques such as stretching or mindful walking lower stress hormones and restore balance. Faith-based reflection helps realign perspective—reminding individuals that every person’s journey unfolds through divine timing. Success is not a competition; it is a shared opportunity for learning and contribution. 

True strength is demonstrated when individuals uplift one another. Every time a woman supports another woman, or a man encourages another man, humanity moves closer to unity, peace, and progress.